A Long Way To Go

I have struggled with what I want to write about in this post for a while. I know its been a long time, and I missed this. Welcome back.

I have a lot to say, and I was having a hard time finding the words to say it. For some reason the thoughts and words I've been looking for started to come to me at 2:00 am... On a damn work night nonetheless.

The past year has been the biggest whirlwind of my life. I moved to a new city, got a new job, was in a new relationship, met new amazing people, ate really good new food, picked up a new hobby (boxing), spent too much at Fashion Nova (that’s not a new fact but still, oops) and I was overwhelmed to say the least. I’m still overwhelmed. It’s no secret that 2020 has probably been the shittiest year of many of our lives, for many reasons… and can honestly say that so far, yea, that’s true for me too.

As the kids say these days, I have been “going through it.” I mean honestly, it’s no joking matter because some moments I think to myself how I truly am not okay in any sense of the word, but let’s add some dark humor to it shall we? I am having a difficult time navigating heartbreak, depression, anxiety, and fear, all while trying to sprinkle some happiness in there too. It’s hard. It’s harder than some may think or know to be true.

I mentioned this in my last post from October (I mean really I’m a piece of trash that I haven’t posted since October) that I had written a blog post around this time last year about anxiety, and never posted it. It was a very personal and deep conversation that I needed to have with myself about what I was going through at the time, and how anxiety started to greatly affect my life. Since then I am proud to say that I have been able to handle my anxiety better. Like I said above, I took up boxing which helped so much. It’s my own little hobby that I use to stay fit, block out reality for an hour or so, and have a good time. 10/10 would recommend. The gyms in NY really need to open back up because I’m getting PHAT again. I also started cooking and baking more. A good friend of mine from my high school days that I no longer have a connection with, used to call me Betty Crocker because I would bake so much. I mean full out rainbow layered cakes, cupcakes, homemade cookies… like ALL the time. I missed baking so I started to do it more in my cute little apartment. I cooked more, I became obsessed with the Narcos series on Netflix and then moved on to the Sopranos (RIP James Gandolfini). The point is, is that I was really trying to take control of my life and my anxiety. It worked for a while. But things are hard again now.

Things will never always be easy. That’s not what life is. It’s not a freaking cake walk. It’s a shit storm of ups and downs and hard lefts and hard rights with no warning or blinker that tells you which direction life is going to throw you in next. Sounds like life was created by shitty ass drivers to be honest.

I had a period in late 2018 where I was on top of the world. I had just quit my job that ruined my life (BUT taught me so much and introduced me to the music industry and amazing people so I’m grateful for that experience but would never relive it), I was going out with all my different groups of friends just getting drunk and living life. I was on a high. That high continued into 2019 and lasted for about another 3 months. Then things changed and anxiety became an everyday part of my life. At this point I’m more used to it, but have gotten stronger because of it.

Right now I am, like previously alluded to, not quite okay. And that’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay. I feel like we are all so hard on ourselves and we try to hide our emotions sometimes and don’t take ownership of our feelings. Well, I am taking complete ownership right now and being honest with myself and the 8 of you who read this, I am not okay.

There’s a lot that is on my mind. Heartbreak for one has been at the center of it. Heartbreak is never something that I would wish on anyone... but it’s a necessity of life. I guess you have to go through heartbreak to get to the good stuff. I always say that everything happens for a reason, and I still do believe that. But when you’re going through it and going through all the emotions that heartbreak comes with, it’s hard to have faith in the fact that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and its hard to understand that there is a reason for this.

Amongst heartbreak comes other feelings of hurt, betrayal, and fear. I mentioned this in my absolute first blog post, that coming to realize that not everyone in your life will care as much as you do, is a very tough wake up call to have. Well, I’m feeling that again. When you create all these connections with so many new people who you end up calling friends, and welcome these incredible humans into your life and you learn about them and hug them and smile with them and laugh with them, and come to love them... and then with the snap of a finger those things mean nothing… that is hard to come to terms with. It’s difficult for me to understand that sometimes you just don’t mean as much to people as you thought you did, or as much as they meant to you. I’m not trying to make this a pity party. That is the last thing I am goaling towards here. Truly. I think that a lot of people can relate to these feelings because I know for a fact that this has happened to people in my life as well. I think its part of growing up and learning who your true inner circle is and always will be. But I have been really struggling with understanding how a pure human connection doesn’t warrant anything after that connection is over.

Social media can be very misleading, and I feel as though we turn a blind eye to someone in our lives that we know is going through a rough time, just because we see they posted something that appears to look as if that person is happy without a care. I am 100% at fault to doing this. But I will also say that it's not fun to be on the other side of that. I think that's why I love this blog so much, because I can live my life and post cute pictures of me and my friends, but I can also come on here and tell you that yea, I'm having fun and trying to be happy, but with those moments of laughter and smiles, there's a lot of moments of hurt and pain as well. They come randomly. Someone could say something so tiny and harmless but it makes me think about something that hurt me. Or when you're driving home alone at night after a fun day with your friends and you get hit with that summertime sadness and start feeling it again. There's so much that goes into this. Along with these things, I’m also struggling to accept the the fact that so many of my closest friends are in serious relationships and have their own lives and are moving in with their significant others and our party days where we feel like we are on top of the world, may be over. I am struggling to not feel like I am a second choice or put on the back burner for people in my inner circles right now too. But as I get older and as I learn more about life and what it is, hurt is something that, along with heartbreak that I guess you have to go through too.

I want to be clear, I have so many beautiful souls in my life that I am tremendously thankful for. I cannot express to those reading this how lucky I am that I have the friends and family I do. The 2am phone calls, and the long paragraph texts that some would consider are my trademark... The bullshit I am constantly putting my loved ones through... I know I am lucky. And I do not ever forget that. Ever. I have people in my life that I know will be by my side until the day I die. And that is something that I thank God for every single day. I would be nothing without these people. I feel at home when I'm with my friends, and that is a feeling that no house in New York or apartment in Virginia could ever bring.

I have learned over the past few weeks who I am again. I am loud, annoying, and obnoxious. I have a big forehead that is the brunt of all the jokes in my friend groups and I am okay with that because I’ll just throw it right back at you. I have crooked pinkies that I will not allow to be in my engagement ring pictures (whenever that happens aka never), and I have freckles at the bottom of my lip that look like a piece of dirt on my face. I mean truly I am #BLESSED. But along with all of these things I am, I am also very caring. I will never not care about those in my life. Sometimes it’s to a fault and sometimes I let people who have hurt me, off the hook too easily. But at the end of the day, life is short. I will always care too much. And I really don’t think that will ever change, nor do I want it to.

I am trying to fall in love with myself again. It’s a process, and it takes time. I am trying to recover from hurt, damage, and trauma; and that also takes time. A lot of time. I wish it didn’t. But again, I know that that’s the point. It’s not supposed to happen overnight. I mean yea I could do without the constant nightmares but beggars can’t be choosers right (am I funny to you guys or do you think that I need help or both pls lmk)!

Time heals all. And time is on my side. I am finding happiness again, and I will be okay.

I know many people are struggling right now. Our world is fighting racism while trying to remain strong in the midst of a pandemic all at once. There have been horrible deaths that have affected many people I know and love. There have been financial struggles because of unemployment that has affected many people I know and love. There have been so many tough decisions that had to be made by people I know and love. And none of these things have been easy. We are all “going through it." Each person’s journey is different but at the end of the day, we are human. We are allowed to feel defeated and scared and alone. But just know this, you are not alone. You are never alone. And we will get through this shit together.

I wish putting extra feta cheese on your Greek salad could cure all of this but sometimes extra feta just isn’t enough. We will be stronger at the end of our struggles, I know it.